Myself

If the truth was told instead of a lie, then the pain would go away sooner and not hurt as much. It’s like my mind know what’s right but my heart is being retarded and still cares.

It has been one year now that I decided to walk away from you. But since that day, I couldn’t help looking back, wishing that you didn’t let me go. All the hurtful things you said, I still remember them all. I’m afraid. I’m not sure I can do this anymore. I have been hurt all these months already and I really don’t want to keep this going. I wish I could forget you, forget everything we had and to feel alive once again. I’m tired of pretending to be happy, tired of wearing a mask everyday…

It’s so hard to stop myself from breaking down everyday, and I guess I just failed today, for the first time in a long time. I’ve reached my limit. It’s the time for me to give up. To stop holding on to the past, to the love we once had— perhaps an illusion. I felt like no matter how hard I try, how many of these things I do, you won’t feel the love from me. It felt like it will never be enough. I know I can’t make you love me, but you have to understand that I can’t make myself unlove you. Remember that, even if you don’t feel the same anymore.

It’s like I’m worthless to you. It’s like I’m just a toy to you, once you get bored, mercilessly you throw me away. Yet I entrusted my heart within your hands, hoping you’d let it heal. But I lost that trust. I want to have my heart and soul back, even if you broke them so many times.

I just can’t let myself fall anymore. Someday I’ll be gone, and I hope then you will finally understand everything I’ve been trying to tell you since the very first day. I’ll have to set myself free from all the sorrow, even if that meant for even for pain… More than anybody, you know very well of how much I truly need you.

But does it make sense that I’ve been holding on for so long, even if the dream has my hands bleeding to the bones?